27. shakin’ it
Let me quote some things I have recently read: ’An opportunistic
artist says extraterrestrial took him for a ride, exhibition to
follow. Dorothea Puente chats with me every day through my Ouija Board.
Apparition of Hitler found on a Burger Queen window, cries real tears.
These are the headlines of unmanly yellow journalism polluting the
mind, distracting your attention, deviating from faith. How dare they
occupy themselves with the trivial pursuits of pagans, exploited and
trumped up to look like the newest sensation? Their cowardliness
thrives on our envy, our fear and our anger. We want shock. Shocking,
we say and we are shocked, therefore.
“People, don’t be fooled. Where is the stern rule of common decency
that will smack the jaundiced knuckles of those damned to a
meaningless life?”
Preacher Dan was going over his notes for Sunday’s sermon for the
Temple of Opportunity, New Christian, which he had founded on a dime
and was now worth millions. Born a 7th day Adventist, he faith-hopped
to his own style of fire spitting evangelicalism. He was proof that
american dream sometimes worked. To demonstrate his success, he had
purchased an Winabego motor home, something that he had always
wanted, and converted it into a traveling chapel on wheels, writing
it off as a business expense. It was in his churchmobile parked in
the back yard that Preacher Dan would mastermind in peace his
entreaties upon the faithful.
“My fellow congregation, you must remember that there is nothing out
there. No one cares, don’t you get it? It is you who plays the cards,
connects the dots or start the car. If you want to wear shoes, you
have got to tie the knot. It is high time you get in touch with your
inner self. When you understand your potential and also your
weakness, you can accept life for what it is and understand your role
in it.
At this part of the sermon, the Chosen Ones were to break into song,
in order to add a contemporary flavor to his inspirational words of
wisdom. He pressed the remote of his entertainment center and the
sound of his choir boomed in surround-sound.
Preacher Dan slowly approached his altar, mouthing each word of the
song being sung and knelt on a padded red leather kneeler to give
thanks to his god. Head lowered, palms pressed together below his
chin, he followed the song until an intense feeling transcended upon
his body and rode him into a quivering and shaking state. This
spiritual escapade made him to spit and drool uncontrollably. As the
choir exhaled his virtues, he started to babble and break into
tongues. Withered with exhaustion, he fell onto the floor gasping for
air, crying with such joy that the Winabego wobbled.
Dan Dan and Sue Ann helped their father to his feet. It certainly was
not the first time that they had had to pick their father off the
floor. In fact, the whole family had succumbed to moments of
superficial spiritual ecstasy and had been known to squirm and twitch
in long moments of frantic elucidation, whereupon dinner would be
cold and they would all go to bed hungry with salvation on their minds.
“Thanks Sue Ann. Thanks Dan Dan. I got myself lost in the
spiritualness of the Lord again. The angels were riding in my body.
The voices of angles, gave me the avenue once again to unite me with
the Lord. God bless him.” His voice broke.
“Alleluia, daddy.” They both answered methodically in unison.
“Mama sent us in here to tell you that dinner is almost ready.” Dan
Dan twanged.
“Thank you. Now you tell your mama that I’ll be in a few minutes.
I’ve got to make a phone call and bring a wanderer back into the
fold. It’ll only take a minute. In the meantime, you can let your
brother out of his bedroom. Tell him that daddy saw Jesus and found
the grace to forgive him for his sins. Here’s the key. Now get, and
I’ll see you around the table.”
Preacher Dan watched his teenage children leave the Winabego in the
direction of the two-story box frame colonial built on the top of the
hill. All this was made possible because the Lord had helped him in
every way to congregate the lost souls of humanity into the largest
church of new christians in the valley, and, thanks to several state-
wide radio broadcasts of his sunday sermons, he was the most revered
and reviled preacher his side of the Sierra Madres.
He stood at the window and surveyed his property pulling on his belt,
content with his good fortune. He thanked the lord above for helping
him to be self-sufficient so that he and his kind would never go
hungry or have to mix with the scummy part of society. He stared out
over his property to the golden fields behind with the sky ablaze in
red, orange and purple due to automobile emission. There, on the
other end of his property, he envisaged a temple for his
congregation, bigger than the Taj Mahal, reflecting in the heat waves
of the parking lot, palm trees blowing and the ringing of church
bells in the steeple.
Preacher Dan returned to the inside of the churchmobile and caught
his image in the reflection of the window of the mobile home. His
long salt and pepper colored hair and intense glowing eyes gave him
the appearance of a man possessed.
“Hallelujah!” Exclaimed Preacher Dan, praising his own image while
picking up the telephone and dialed. He pulled a handkerchief out of
his back right pants pocket, wiped his face and held it in front of
the mouthpiece as he spoke..
“I would like to speak to Mr. Thorndorn.” There was a moment of
silence before being connected. “Your plan must be stopped. You have
been warned.” He enunciated each word distinctly in a low guttural
voice. “No one has the right to destroy paradise. We repeat their
demand or the aliens will destroy. Don’t come to the capitol. It’s
well nigh time to decide. Cleaver or money.” He immediately hung up.
It’s time to eat, he thought and began singing his wife’s praises. He
knew that she had been cooking his favorite meal of BBQ flavor spare
ribs in home style gravy, Tator Tots, her famous butter beans and his
favorite dessert, mock apple pie.
Preacher Dan’s wife was a woman of few words when she wanted to be
and a bitch from farm stock when her cage was rattled. Healthy as a
horse, fierce and looking every inch the nag. When she had given
birth to triplets, Preacher Dan declared it a miracle and got a
vasectomy the very same day.
What Preacher Dan was unaware of was that Edith was the one running the
show. Behind the scenes tending house and family, she was able to
manipulate her husband’s empire to suit herself. She took pleasure in
being the dominate partner at the table as well as in bed.
His fantasies slipped from being spanked by Edith to being fondled by
the singer in the Chosen Ones, her supple feminine innocence,
taunting him in the mornings of weakness. The thrill of fornication
aroused his loins, which he stroked with his left hand through the
inside of his pants pocket, all the while staring at his reflection.
“Yes!” He pulled on his erect penis. “I will set you on fire.
Alleluia!” He juxtaposed the image of Edith giving him a final
wack and ejaculated into his underwear from Jacques C. Penné.
Ashamed, he held in his stomach and shoved the white handkerchief
into his pants to wipe up the sperm. Beet red, he looked back at
himself, offered a pitiful thought of regret and returned the
handkerchief to his pants pocket. He picked up the remote, pressed
’power’ to shut down his electronic spirituality and left the
churchmobile with a sickening smile cramped onto his face.
He entered the colonial through the kitchen and upon seeing her
husband, Edith exclaimed, “Wash your hands Dan, and get to the table.
We’ve been waiting for you. What have you been doing so long in the
Winabego? I was thinkin’ of sending the kids to get you again.
Thinking that you got yourself in a spasm again. You know that’s not
good for you. One of these days you’ll get yourself all worked up and
never come back. Jesus Lord Almighty.” She emptied a sieve of butter
beans onto a serving tray. “Let me never see that day.”
“C’mon Edith. You know I won’t leave you, especially with our little
green acre that we have built together. I couldn’t of done it without
your support. It just burns me to hell to know that that company
which has saved us so often with their blessed corporate sponsoring
is now going to build a factory right behind our property. No Edith.
I have been praying to the Lord that they will change their mind. I’m
not ready to leave for the salvation of paradise, especially when
I’ve got a church to build and I plan on doin’ it till the Lord yanks
me away.” He took a kitchen paper towel and dried his freshly washed
hands and gave Edith a hug from behind.
“Well. That’s what I mean, Dan.” She shrugged him off and pulled out
the spare ribs from the oven.
“That’s exactly what I’m doing, Edith. I’ve been praying to the lord
and I needed to make a call on one of our congregation. Ah Edith, you
know there is so much perversity in the world today that I have
enough work, just in the valley, for generations. Now let me at those
spare ribs. They sure smell appetizin’. Are Dan Dan, Billy Bob, Sue
Ann at the table?”
“I told you Dan. We’ve been waiting for you for half an hour. Those
kids must be in agony, waiting for this food. Say Dan, are you goin’
to talk to Dan Dan tonight? Don’t go too harsh on him. I think he’s
tellin’ the truth.”
“Edith, I think he’s hangin’ around the wrong kind of people. It was
them that gave it to him.”
“Your son is almost a man. You got to start treatin’ him like one.”
“I know you mean well, woman,” he said stepping forward and looking into
her eyes. “He is our future Edith. He must be an example to the others.”
and caressed her cheek with his thumb.
“Okay Dan. You know best.” She moved herself away. “Now go in and
seat the triplets.”
Preacher Dan entered the dining room. His teenage children sprang to
their feet in the living room and took their respective places at the
solid mahogany table, immediately silenced as their father took his
place at the dinner table.
“Okay. Let’s see the hands. Dan Dan, Sue Ann and Billy Bob,” He said
and examined, “God bless us.”
“God Bless us.” They responded.
“I believe it’s your turn …” He nodded to Sue Ann. “ … to commence
with the blessing.”
“Ah Dad, I said the blessin’ last night. I would love to say it again
but I believe it’s Billy Bob’s turn.”
“All right, Sue Ann. Sorry for the mistake. I didn’t think he was
ready to greet the Lord after his penance. Billy Bob, are you able
and ready to say the blessin’?” Billy Bob nodded, stood up slowly and
put his hands together. The other members of the family slowly bowed
their heads. “Mama, we are goin’ to say the blessin’.”
Edith entered with a steaming plate of spare ribs. “Billy Bob, go and
get the plate of butter beans.” Billy Bob broke from his position of
inspiration and looked over at his father. He nodded his approval
and Billy Bob went to help his mother.
They returned with the rest of the meal and Billy Bob retook his
place, slowly making the sign of the cross to regain grace and
recited his prayer.
“Oh Holy Christ Opportunist. Bless this food to our nourishment of
heart and body, so that my soul may have the strength to spread the
word. It is through your word that I have been blessed here tonight
with this bountiful meal prepared by my loving mother and supplied by
my beloved father. I repent my evil ways and shall never make the
sign of the cross backwards again. Heal me. Heal me. Oh Lord, please
forgive me, for I am not worthy to lick the ass of a sick horse.
Amen.” Billy Bob quietly sat down, trying not to smile and wiping a
mock tear from his face.
“Well, I’ll be, Billy Bob. Aside from the part about the horse, that
was real good. I think God still has some plans for you. Now
let’s get to those spareribs. By the way Dan Dan, you got something
extra special to be thankful about.” With his long arm, he bopped his
son on the head. “Now, eat knowing that you are going to get more of
that after the meal. Your mother showed me what she found.”
Dan Dan went white thinking his latex catalog hidden in his dresser
had been discovered. “I know the truth. “ He bopped his son’s head
again. “We’ll talk about it after dinner. Let’s eat.”
Dan Dan could hardly contain his meal. Each swallow was a painful
blob that stuck in his throat and had to be washed down with a gulp
of lukewarm vitamin D enriched powdered skim milk. Aside from the
chewing, sucking and the sound of cutlery being clanged against
china, the family refrained from conversation during the meal.
Occasionally, a member would make eye contact with the condemned.
Dan Dan as well as the other look-alikes were under tremendous strain
to present a pristine image of healthy christian children. They lived
in fear of upsetting their father having been at an early age victims
of his wrath. The physical punishment had stopped. The customary
twelve strokes of the rod to represent the apostles and the long
periods of forced isolation had stopped when they reached
adolescence, but the psychological abuse continued.
When all were just about finished sucking the last bit of marrow from
every sparerib, Preacher Dan sat back in his chair and started
cleaning his teeth with a toothpick. No one was allowed to leave the
table or until their plates were clean and permission was granted.
“Dan Dan?” Preacher Dan finally spoke sucking at his teeth and
clucking the saliva at the back of his throat. “How’s school?”
“Fine. Our bible group has been invited to attend the P.T.L meeting
in Sacramento.”
“Dan Dan. Your mother told me that she found something in your
backpack. Can you tell us what it is and why it is in your possession?”
Dan Dan lowered his head, relieved that he was spared explaining why
he had a fetish for bondage but still not quite sure to what his
father was referring. He wiped his oily mouth with a paper towel and
gulped, “Uh. I found it.”
“Alien space ship.”
“Oh, the Sutters Weekly.” He made eye contact with his siblings.
“Everybody reads it. I even saw mom reading it, at the check out counter.”
“You do not need to accuse your sweet mother of anything.”
“I only noticed it when I came home. Someone must’ve snuck a copy
inside.”
“Who would of given you such a filthy gift?”
“I don’t know. If I knew, I’d tell you, for sure. I think it was when
I was at the church, picking up trash yesterday in the parking lot.
The choir was rehearsing. I left my backpack in one of the pews. I’m
sure one of them must’ve done it.”
“Why didn’t you throw it away? Why did it have to stay in this house
over night? It is because you wanted to read it.” He looked at the
children. “You all wanted to read that devil’s rag. God shame you!”
Preacher Dan put down his toothpick. “Don’t you know that the
hypnotic words of the popular press is the very devil’s words. It is
evil. Do you understand these?”
“C’mon dad. Of course I do. It’s not like I bought it. Besides, you
always said that to fight the enemy, you gotta understand them..”
Preacher Dan sat back, gloating from having his wisdom quoted.
“You’ve got to take heed. Do you hear what I am saying?” Preacher
Dan continued to lecture.
“Yeah dad.” The others nodded.
“What did you say?”
“Yes Sir!”
Preacher Dan sent Dan Dan to the churchmobile and dismissed the
table. He would join Dan Dan in a little bible reading. He had just
the passage that would help illustrate to his son the sins of the press.
Indeed, he thought and shook his head, my work is never done.
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