41. random circus
When he got home, he went to the kitchen, grabbed a beer from the
refrigerator, went back to the living room, and hit the message button
on the answering machine.
“Good-bye. I am not at home. I’m not around. Leave me alone!” His
voice played as the machine rewound and he plopped down in the
oversized armchair and took a swig of his beer..
“My world at my fingertips.” Denver belched, and turned on the
television monitor with the remote control. He heard a samba jingle
announcing the beginning, middle or end of the “The I Love Lucy
Show”. He stayed tuned to figure out which episode it was.
Lucy was just showing Ethel a hat she had bought. As it was quite
expensive, Ethel said Lucy’s husband Ricky would have a fit. Denver
knew that Lucy’s husband would eventually find out, say a few ‘Ei,
yi, yi, yi, yi’s’, and then forgive Lucy because he loved her. A happy
ending. Denver flipped the channel.
“What used to be exclusively Einstein fifty years ago has become a
part of our daily lives. Now, you too can have a high paying job as a
nuclear scientist. Learn to develop breed reactors and about the
principles of fusion reaction, understand the world of atoms, quarks
and nanos. Maybe even take that quantum leap into sub atomic
physics.” Smiling faces of nuclear scientists dressed in protective
clothing filled the television screen. “Operators are standing by now.”
His messages began to play. “Hey Denver. I want to talk to you.” It
was Icky. “ You won’t believe it. I got some sort of code. I’m
supposed to be able to talk to the aliens. I’ll see you later. I got
to eat carrots. I’m at the Bum ’n Burn. I’ll come by. Look. Just
meet me at the B’B’s as soon as you get this message.”
“Hi. That’s me 35 years ago and that’s me just five years ago. I was
an alcoholic and as fat as a cow, drinking and eating everything in
sight. And look at me now. I’m Neil Jung, famous folk singer. Now,
with the help of the new revolutionary ten-plus ten-step program from
A.A and O.A., I have quit drinking and weigh 98 pounds. My friends
like me again, and my wife, well, she says I’m a new man. Even my
agents are now calling me again.” Fade out.
“Well, that’s certainly a friendly message, Mr. Griess. Hello. This is
Mrs. Weatherbean from the ABC collection agency. I’m calling to
inform you of the outstanding balance of your student loan, which
currently stands at 2,537 dollars and 39 cents. Mr. Griess, we are
currently taking legal action to recover our money. As you know Mr.
Griess, we are trying to make your life as difficult as possible.
We have made numerous telephone calls and have tried repeatedly
to inform you by post of our companies’ actions yet you have blatantly
ignored our requests.”
„Although you surely have it already, I will repeat once again, our
telephone number is 1-800-ABC-LOAN. My name is Mrs. Weatherbean
and you may reach me at extension 301. Thank-you and have a nice day.”
Denver looked over at the answering machine and screamed a burst of
obscenities. The machine beeped the next message and Denver flipped
channels.
“Hold it right there, pal.” The sound of gunfire could be heard in
the background “Hey, I wasn’t always a security officer, but after three
short weeks at the Acme Security Center, I received my special
degree. I now own my own gun, have learned how to protect property
and shoot criminals and I am self-employed. My life has purpose again
all because of the Acme Security Center. Don’t think.” Two more shots
were fired. “Call now!”
“Denver! Denver. Are you home yet?” It was Icky once again.
A young woman in a synthetic fiber business suit appeared on the
television screen. “You know, I used to be stuck in a dead end job as
a secretary, not even making enough money to pay my monthly VISA
bills. Now, thanks to SAC TECH School of Business, I have a job with
a future,” she smiled lovingly at her boss, “and an American made car!”
“Denver. I’m still at B’B’s. Are you home yet? I just realized the
alien dude was the same guy who found my wallet. Too many weird
things are happening to me. I feel followed. Clever and money. Later
dude.”
“It’s that time again. Have job-mobbing or overzealous employment
demands put you out of a job? Do you want to move up
to management?
Do you want to be a part of the business crowd, mingling and moving
up the corporate ladder instead of just being a worker and the first
to be fired? Learn the techniques of hierarchy, subordination and
control.”
The answering machine beeped another message. “Hello Denver.
It’s me again. I’m not doing so bad. Coming out of my hole.
Venturing into the light. All I’ve been doing lately is sitting in bed,
spinning away or watching the Psychic Pet Channel. It got bad
a while back. I was back to lighting candles and tip-toeing around
the apartment. I’ve got so many bills to pay. I live in fear that Chad will find
out. I’m still spinning away, snipping at bits of paper. You won’t
believe what I’ve been making lately, beer coasters out of japanese
silk paper. They cost a fortune. I am selling them to yuppies in Mill
valley. I called …”
„Hi. I’m Mr. Miles, CEO. I started as a humble police officer and
worked my way to the top. Now, I am the CEO of a security firm and
teach those principles that got me to where I wanted to be. Call
today, or check out our website at the address at the bottom of your
screen.”
“… because I need the new address for Benny. I heard he
moved spaces.
I only have the old telephone number. Can you believe I don’t have
it? He’s still got some of my pieces at his gallery and he won’t give
them back. I’m trying to get a lawyer friend of mine to bust him for
grand larceny. I mean, the work is worth thousands of dollars. I
never actually gave it to him. He only coaxed me into giving him the
work when I was weak or drunk or both. Okay. You’re not home. I’ll
call you again or you call me. Remember to ring twice and hang up.
Love you.” Beep.
“Denver! Denver! That’s even worse than the last one. Denver!”
Bianca’s voice shouted. “Pick up the phone if you’re home!” Denver
turned up the volume of the television instead.
“Are you strung out on booze, pot, coke or pills? Have you been
trying at all to climb out of that hole that you have dug for
yourself? Are you tired of being stuck in the bed that you made for
yourself?”
“Denver. I will say it just once. Get rid of that message. Now
listen. There’s been a terrible accident. Something terrible has …”
“Can you read the phone number in front of you on your screen?
If you can’t, then you’d better call someone to help you. We are here
for you at reasonable rates.”
“…’s house burned down.” Bianca’s voice broke. “Yes Denver.
There’s a big hole in the roof where the living room used to be.
I can’t find Dad or Mom anywhere. It’s like a bomb was
dropped or aliens came and zapped them away.”
Denver sat up.
“Come down to Fresno as soon as possible! I’m calling everyone.”
He could hear a siren in the background and his sister sobbing before
she ended the connection.
“Need an exciting career or just thinking about a career change? Have
you ever thought about a part time career as an Internet receptionist?
We’re looking for a few good men and women to be part of our team.”
“You can be one of us. Thousands of companies need competent and
trained Internet receptions. If you can spell, you can be part of us.
Don’t hesitate. Contact us now.”
Denver turned off the television, and the answering machine gave its
final beeps. Silence fell over the room. Denver sat for a few minutes
and collected his thoughts. He found himself staring at a dirty
Sacramento Smelts coffee mug when he pulled himself out of
his reverie.
“I guess I’m going to Fresno. Wow. My parents’ house reduced to
ashes. Mom and dad lost in space. Sad day.” He took a slurp of his beer.
“How am I going to get to Fresno?” he wondered out loud, and got up
and turned on the radio. “I hope Micky is in the mood for a road trip.”
“ … over Denver,” a news reporter announced. “And now onto the
weather. There’s a big storm moving into the valley. We expect rain
by early morning.”
“Hi, welcome back. You’re listening to KDVS, 98 point 2 on your FM
dial. My name is Steve Phuk and you’re listing to the Phuk Show.” An
easy listening jingle followed the introduction.
“What you just heard was Random Circus with ’Ain’t it a Drag’, a tune
selected by our special guest Natural Childbirth, the drummer in the
band The Geniuses.
“We are featuring the local band turned stars, The Geniuses. Their
hit single, ’Butterflies are Free at the Zoo’, a remake of a pop
classic, put the Geniuses on the national charts. You can see them at
their last gig in town at the Post 68 tonight. We here at KDVS are
proud to sponsor their last gig before they set off on their national
tour. I’ll be playing the song later on in the program but first let
me introduce our guest in the studio.”
While listening to the radio, Denver went around his apartment
collecting what he might need for a quick trip down the valley in a
vinyl airline bag. He gave his cats a large bowl of Kitty Chow while
in the kitchen and stuffed food treats into his bag. He went into the
bedroom and sorted out some clean underwear, and then to
the bathroom
where he picked up his yellow toiletry case and filled it with
assorted mini-toiletries from the medicine cabinet.
“We have with us in the studio tonight the drummer of The Geniuses,
Natural Childbirth. Tell us Natural or may I call you Natty as you
friends do?”
“Natty’s fine.”
“Natty, I’ve been dying to ask you. How did you feel about doing a
cover version of this particular song?”
“Well, it’s like this (bleep) I didn’t have any objections (bleep) to
it. From a drummer’s perspective (bleep, bleep) it’s a pretty easy
song to do and the (bleep) melody is (bleep) I like it.”
“When was your condition first diagnosed?”
“I like (bleep) was sent home for swearing a lot in class. It was not
until, like (bleep) the school psychologist (bleep) examined me, that
they figured out that I (bleep) had like this (bleep) disorder known
as Torettes Syndrome.”
“So how have you dealt with it?”
“Well like (bleep). My mom and dad are Seventh Day (bleep)
Adventists, and I was not allowed to take any drugs (bleep) when I
was growing up. Instead they (bleep) believed that Christ (bleep)
would heal me through fervent prayer.”
“Did it work?”
“(bleep, bleep) No. I was all the time (bleep) jerking un- (bleep)
controllably, in my childhood. It was not until (bleep) I was
eighteen that I got on medication. (bleep)”
“When did you discover your talent?”
“That just, (bleep)ing shit, happened. I would like get (bleep) all
stressed out and couldn’t control myself, so I would (bleep)ing beat
on everything. Later on, I somehow got a drum set and that’s like
pretty much (bleep) how it happened.”
“Has success changed you at all?”
“I don’t (bleep) know, man. It’s like (bleep, bleep) I haven’t seen
any money. We just, (bleep)ing-A, travel, man. I have been up and
down the valley (bleep) for three months. We’ve (bleep) come home to
do this final gig before we (bleep) mother-(bleep) go into the studio
to record our album.”
“It’s all very new. You haven’t yet seen the fruits of your success.
Listeners, you have heard that we, unfortunately, have to bleep
Natty’s obscenities. Natty, you make it difficult for our censor but
I think our man can keep up with you.”
“(bleep) I hope he, (bleep)ing, can.”
“Natty. Has your disability hindered you in any way?”
“(bleep)man. No way, man.”
“Your second release. An original song from the band is climbing the
charts. Where did the inspiration come from for, ’I wanna,
wanna get …?”
“It’s an older song we’ve been doing, a sing along, a beer guzzlin’
song. We (bleep) did it for an encore number and it (bleep) stuck.”
“You’re involved in the Sacramento art scene. What’s out there?”
“Oh. There’s a lot out there. But you know man, it’s the city art
pigs who (bleep) prevent anything from happening. They don’t support
contemporary (bleep) art at all. I know a guy living in a Galaxy for
a year, and another guy who wears yellow all the time. But (bleep)
they don’t get recognized. It’s only because we did a cover of a
stupid love song that we got (bleep) attention.”
“And what about the price of rice in Blyte?”
“Oh fuck that (bleep). Are we like (bleep) still talking about it?”
“Never mind then. So the band is going into the studio, you have
enough songs for a CD.”
“Yeah man. We got (bleep) twenty or so killer songs.”
“What’s coming next?”
“We don’t know. (bleep) We have been getting good feedback at (bleep)
at our gigs for a tune called ’Donut’.”
“Where do you see yourself going in the next year?”
“Well. After the CD, man, I get like (bleep) an eight-week vacation
and then, (bleep) man, the CD should be out in the spring.”
“Thanks for talking to us, Natty.”
“No problem, man. (bleep)”
“Well folks, you heard it here on the Phuk Show. Let’s send the group
off with a rousing concert. Natty and I hope to be seeing you tonight
at the Post 68, across from the Sutter Convention Center, 16th and F.
Show starts at nine. I have free tickets for the first ten callers
who can tell me what Natty’s last name is. If you know, the number to
call is 767-KDVS. Now, for the hit single I promised, ’Butterflies
are free at the Zoo’ by The Geniuses. You are listening to KDVS, 98
point 2 on the FM dial.”
Never goin’ to be happy again.
How am I going to get through?
Lying naked in a cage,
can’t take it, full of rage,
bleeding heart on the floor,
walk on by, you care no more.
As the song played, Denver collected his house keys, said goodbye to
the cats, put on a yellow baseball cap, the silver fireman’s coat
that he had traded Micky for a bag of american flags, and strapped on
his travel bag. After turning off the radio, he left locking the
front door behind him. While descending the wooden stairs, he looked
across to Janet’s window to see what she might be doing on this foggy
evening, and then proceeded towards the Bum ‘n Burn.
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